And I probably won’t anymore. I’ve taken my talents to South Beach.
On a more serious note, yeah, probably no more. Or probably something very small and minimal. I’d like to be a completely open person. I like my vulnerabilities because they’re mine and make me human. I’d like to feel free - get thoughts out. I remember there were times when I was more insecure, I’d write something deep and meaningful (to me at least), something I was proud of, and share it publicly with people. I tied these thoughts to my identity. And then, knowing people would read my shit, I felt some sort of weird pressure to write according to some standard I had in my head of what was good.
Also, I’d hate to bitch when there are girls I’m in love with who follow me on here. That’s so000oo0o beta.
Anyway, so I stopped writing and that’s never good.
I remember back when I still wrote in my Xanga, I became prolific again after a 3 year hiatus. I realized that I was so scared of writing things that would be read by people who knew me on the streets - especially people who didn’t like my guts. I would write really long posts, hate the wording, hate the ineloquence, and not write at all. And it was almost as if 3 years passed and I had no history, no identity. Those are currently the years that are most lost to me. I don’t even know what I was doing.
So, now, I have a private blog where I write shit and I’m fucking vulnerable. I have another one where I post stuff that makes me laugh and don’t want to mix the two up because if someone follows me because I’m posting stupid pictures of Chief Keef, I’d hate to be a Debbie Downer and post something about the indifference of the universe to human suffering.
Any way, if you want the URLs, you’re welcome to send me a message and I’ll probably send it to you.
This has been a good one though. I’m proud of my archives. They tell a very personal story - with time stamps. It’s like Go Ask Alice without the drug addiction, anonymity, and tragic death.
Signing off, my niggas.
6 years ago I got some blood work done and found out I don’t have enough iron. This is common in people with anemia (I’m thalassemic).
My test last week showed I now have too much iron.
…what the fuck am I eating that has so much iron?
Echo - Escape
This is so good. I seriously want to cry right now listening to this.
It’s not about being amazing immediately.
It’s about having a process, taking an account of all your little failures and rooms for improvement, and getting better at those little aspects every single day.
It’s really just the scientific method - not panicking and trying to change every variable and hoping for the best with fingers crossed.
Means, not ends.
A$AP Ferg yelling like a mad man in the background makes any rap song just that much more hood.
HOO HOO HOO
Salvador Dali having a smoke with Coco Chanel
I am inordinately attracted to the napes of women’s necks
Everything, everything I do at this point is for Brooklyn by the end of 2014.
I get scared about my projects. I struggle and I struggle. And what if by the end my project wasn’t good enough - didn’t show enough competency, was too unorganized, too simple? What would I do?
In that sense, teaching yourself something to get a job is risky. But I know that the only other choice is analysis paralysis.
Is it good enough? No? Then what do I do that’s bigger? How about this? But that seems so difficult -I think I’m getting ahead of myself. Maybe something easier - no. But it’s just not impressive enough. Just a little bit harder. Oh, who am I kidding?
I’m so glad I don’t do that as much as I did before.
I do have faith that all the hours I’m putting in are getting me somewhere. But goddamn it’s a slow process.
Dappin’ it with me and my goons
Laying on my back eating a banana because I can’t stand up after my long run.
I took a break from programming. I’m trying to replace some of my habits with better habits, so rather than go on reddit, I just went on YouTube to watch some interviews with some of my favorite musicians.
A little bit of background. I told myself I’d be living in NY or SF by New Year’s Eve 2015 and working in whichever city as a junior developer. I’m learning how to program during weekdays and I work on the weekends. I think I’m on pace to have a decent project portfolio by mid-late July and to put some pressure on myself with a hard deadline to ensure I’m on schedule, I’ve circled September 13th as the day I must quit my weekend job (it’s the day before Mad Decent Block Party makes a stop in San Diego). I told myself the first thing I’m going to buy when I get a job as a dev is a new Macbook Pro and Ableton because I really want to learn how to make music.
Anyway, I was watching some interviews featuring guys from the WEDIDIT collective - Shlohmo, RL Grime, Ryan Hemsworth, etc.,. They’re all younger than me and super talented. I really admire their work. From what I gather, they’ve all been playing music since they were in their wee-teens. I thought about it: by the time I get Ableton and start learning, I’ll be just around the corner from my 25th birthday. Insane.
As Jesse says in Before Midnight, artists, particularly men, have this tendency to compare themselves with their idols. I can tell you that Hemingway wrote A Farewell to Arms when he was 25 and The Sun Also Rises when he was 27. I can tell you off the top of my head that Tolstoy was 23 when he started writing and 37 when he started writing War & Peace. I can also tell you that John Frusciante mastered the blues scale when he was 11.
That was a big one. When I was 19 and started playing the guitar, feeling so bad about myself for not being John Frusciante who was playing with RHCP already by my age, it really fucked with me. These types of ideas sabotage the process of learning and sabotage the process of making art. I haven’t touched my guitar in a couple of years.
I’m not nearly as fragile as I was when I was 19. But even watching this little documentary brought back feelings of “being too late”.
And that’s when I had this weird epiphany:
To regret never having done something is to accept that you will die without ever doing it. It must be distinguished from regret at not having done something earlier, which is much more tame and which we all feel at some point in time. To regret not having done something is to say to yourself, “okay, I know better now, and I still have the next 30, 40, 50 years to rectify the situation, but I’m willfully making the decision not to”.
Therefore, feeling regret at not having done something is an implicit agreement with yourself that you will not do it. Otherwise, it would be that much less harmful version of regret - regret at not having started earlier - at which point you will make the necessary arrangements that will allow you to do it.
Do I regret not starting earlier? Certainly. But put into perspective, choosing not to do something that I really want to do despite having a life expectancy of perhaps another 65 years is fucking absurd. I think this absurdity is supported by my renewed sense of self-confidence, but fucking come on. How insane is that? How insane is it to choose not to do something that you really want to do because other people did it earlier than you?
I’m saying this here and I’m saying this now: I’ll be a developer, a business owner, a musician, and a published author by the time I die - and I’ll be doing these things for no other reason than the fact that I desire to.
That last caveat is the most important part. For so much of my life, I’ve done things and valued things because other people did those things and valued those things. But in putting other people’s actions and values above everything else, you are also most vulnerable to those people’s opinions and criticism. And so the greatest thing you can do for yourself as a person who desires to create is to do things for your own sake, which is how I see the world now.
I remember reading that Drew Curtis of Fark.com, one of the most popular websites back in its hey day, only paid himself $60k a year - the rest of the Fark money went into his legal “war chest” in case he got sued. I never understood that growing up until I realized: I have really fucking simple tastes. I’m happiest when I’m trying to make something and all it takes nowadays is reliable computer.
I promised myself when I get a job as a dev that I’m going to live as frugally as possible during the rest of my 20s. Some nice dinners here and there, some all night benders where I drop way to much cash on booze, but no unnecessary luxuries - basic living costs, loan payments, coffee and alcohol, and cash for hanging out with my loved ones.
And in that time, I will dedicate myself completely to honing my crafts, falling in love with people and their ideas, meeting fresh faces, and saving cash for another go at the startup world.
I watch shows about people searching for houses on HGTV sometimes because my sister always has it on when she’s over. It’s interesting to see all the considerations that go into it all. But so much of the time, I can’t help but mutter under my breath, “man, that is so unnecessary”.
I feel thankful for that. I guess that’s the only perk of overcoming an existential crisis.
Check out this mix on 8tracks by bezukhov.
Last post on this Tumblr for a while.
I don’t make mixes on 8tracks unless I’m bursting at the seams with tracks I’m in love with. And although this may seem a bit egomaniacal, I’m so proud of the first two editions of “Turnt Down, Chillt up.” that I wouldn’t name a mix pt. III unless I felt in my heart that it was equivalent.
With that said, I introduce to you “Turnt Down, Chillt up. (pt. III).
There are a lot of r&b remixes, bootlegs, and a fair share of clever drops as well as songs that’ll sweep you off your feet. Overall, this is a very balanced mix. You can drink some chamomile tea in the dark by yourself or snuggle up with a partner while listening - whatever works.
Tracklist (in the order I arranged it):
1. Tinashe ft. Schoolboy Q - 2 On (TOKiMONSTA remix)
2. BANKS - Brain (Fei-Fei’s Feided Remix)
3. Brandy - Baby (Sweater Beats Bootyleg)
4. The Cardigans - Lovefool (Goshfather & Jinco vs. Dr. Fresch edition)
5. J. Cole - Forbidden Fruit (Hucci remix)
6. Local Natives - Ceilings (Kasbo remix)
7. Ciara - Body Party (NEVR remix)
8. Pretty Lights - Lost and Found (ODESZA remix)
9. Jaymes Young - Moondust (Ianborg & Bronze Whale remix)
10. Chiefs - Tsunami
11. The Neighbourhood - Afraid (StéLouse edit)
12. Flume - Insane (L D R U Remix ft. Moon Holiday)
13. Future - Turn On The Lights (Ryan Hemsworth bootleg)
14. Jhené Aiko - My Mine (Jeftuz remix)
15. Marian Hill - One Time (Imanos remix)
16. Mapei - Don’t Wait (Giraffage remix)
17. Sango ft. SPZRKT – Middle Of Things, Beautiful Wife (Stwo remix)
18. Chrome Sparks - All There Is (feat. Steffaloo)
19. Hermitude x Flume - Hyperparadise (GANZ flip)
20. Arnold - 100 Dreams (I Luv Your Girl Rmx)
21. Rihanna - You da one (J.u.D. remix)
22. Broods - Bridges (L D R U remix)
23. Usher - Climax (diplo & Flosstradamus remix)
Oh and pssst I’ve ported it over to SoundCloud as well: Turnt Down, Chillt up. (pt. III) - on SoundCloud